Nation’s Mothers Demand To Know Where You Heard That Word

WASHINGTON—Glowering into the cameras and turning beet red as they scowled, the nation’s mothers held a press conference Thursday demanding to know where you heard that word. “Get over here, mister—get over here now,” said 38-year-old Deandra O’Neill of Austin, TX who was just one of millions of mothers from small towns and big cities … Read more

As A Show Of Good Faith, We’re Sending In 10 Little-Known Facts About ‘The Witcher’ And All We Ask Is You Not Harm Any Of The Hostages

Hello! We are addressing ourselves to the individual inside the First Savings Bank on Fourth and Grand. You are speaking to the Onion Gamers Network. Please remain calm. We just want to talk to you. You’re a professional; we’re a professional gaming journalism site. We can certainly come to some sort of agreement here, okay? … Read more

Dr. Oz Announces Bid For Pennsylvania Senate Seat

Dr. Mehmet Oz, a cardiothoracic surgeon and television personality, announced he is running for the U.S. Senate in Pennsylvania as a Republican to succeed retiring Senator Pat Toomey, joining an already crowded GOP primary for the open seat. What do you think? “A vote for Dr. Oz burns away fat in minutes—no diet, no effort, … Read more

‘It Would Be So Easy,’ Think 79% Of People Holding Ladders For Loved Ones Putting Up Christmas Lights

PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist consideration of the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding ladders while a loved one put up Christmas lights reportedly took a moment Wednesday to consider just how easy it would be. “All it would take is one small push, and boom, it’s over, just like that,” thought nearly … Read more

80 Famous

Sorry to be such a bummer, but there’s no denying that—look, it’s not like we’re happy he’s on this list. We didn’t ask for this idiot, we didn’t search for this photo with a stupid fucking grin on our face. So blame history, blame the human capacity for evil and madness, but don’t blame us. … Read more

Dr. Oz Endorses Benefits Of U.S. Senate Despite Proven Deadly Side Effects

HARRISBURG, PA—Making the declaration the latest in a line of medically questionable advice, Dr. Mehmet Oz issued a full-throated endorsement of the U.S. Senate Wednesday despite its proven deadly side effects. “Once again, we are seeing Dr. Oz lend his credibility to a dubious system that many believe actually does far more harm than good,” … Read more

Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

ESTERO, FL—Calling the recent signing of Tom Brady “exciting as long as it goes better than last time,” Hertz CEO Paul Stone told reporters Wednesday that they hoped signing a football player as a spokesperson would not end with two people being murdered again. “We’re excited Tom is part of the Hertz team, but we … Read more

NASA Delays Space Walk After It Starts Snowing In Outer Space

WASHINGTON—With no choice but to suspend the planned outing and await more favorable conditions, NASA announced Wednesday it had delayed a space walk after a heavy snow began to fall in outer space. “Unfortunately, a front has moved into our solar system, causing a severe blizzard that forced us to postpone this morning’s scheduled space … Read more

Brian Kelly Admits He Never Actually Believed In God

BATON ROUGE, LA—Calling it a harmless fib to fit in and let him do his job without distraction, former Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he never actually believed in God. “All that God crap, I just said that to get the job—I mean we all fudge our resumes a … Read more